The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster!
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
Faith is a powerful thing. It often shuts off the rational mind.
Faith is believing in something common sense tells us not to.
Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Never look down on anybody unless you are helping them up.
If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
Anyone can admit they were wrong. The true test is admitting it to someone else.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
The best advice is this. Don't take advice and don't give advice.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Alcohol is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
It's important to watch what you eat. Otherwise, how are you going to get it into your mouth?
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
We sometimes cripple ourselves by our own lack of confidence.
Ability is of little account without opportunity.
Optimist: "The glass is half full."
Pessimist: "The glass is half empty."
Engineer: "That glass is twice as large as it needs to be."
God was cruel in creating man. He gave us a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to use one at a time.
It's ok to kiss a fool. It's ok to let a fool kiss you. But don't let a kiss fool you.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
Don't worry about temptation, as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken down car.
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Do not hasten to rejoice at someone’s departure until you see his replacement.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Experience is not a kind teacher, but it is always a truthful one.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
It would be hypocritical of me to ask. It would suggest I care.
I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
Don't regret doing things, regret getting caught.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt ... then things get worse.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, there were a lot of clever people on the bus this morning.
If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If crimefighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Money can't buy happiness... but it can certainly rent it for a while.
Money can't buy happiness... but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only time and effort bring proficiency.
Fashion is a tyrant who dictates never-ending changes.
Harsh words and poor reasoning never settle anything.
That which is beautiful is not always good. But that which is good is always beautiful.
A wolf may lose its fangs, but not its inclinations.
Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches.
To be unhappy over what one lacks is to waste what one already possesses.
Man can cure a multitude of illnesses, but not fate.
Weaving a net is better than praying for fish at the edge of the water.
When the itch is inside the boot, scratching outside provides little consolation.
Water quenches thirst and food sates our hunger, but no amount of gold will satisfy greed.
It is better to like what you have than to have what you like.
Great eloquence cannot change wrong into right.
The wise make their own decisions. The ignorant follow public opinion.
Learning is like the horizon: there is no limit.
By filling one’s head instead of one’s pocket, one cannot be robbed.
It does not matter if the cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice.
"Try" is a word of courage, but "can" is a word of power.
Anyone can buy a good house, but good neighbors are priceless.
A little help is worth more than a load of sympathy.
Just as incense emits no fragrance until it is burned, talent is not recognized until it is used.
When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't know how to spell anonymous.
In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins, not through strength, but through persistence.
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end.
The true measure of a man is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience but how he stands at times of controversy and challenges.
Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart.